Just How Attached I Am

I'm sure that one or two of you may have heard me complain about the fact that I cannot leave Toby, my 5 month old, at home, and while on the rare occasion, I may complain about this fact, the truth is that I truly do not mind.  Yes, Toby goes with me everywhere.  We're a package.  That's just the way it is.  If you don't want a baby to come to whatever event you're planning, then don't invite me because 99.9% of the time, I will not leave him at home.

There are a few reasons for this.  First, Toby doesn't take a bottle or any artificial nipple of any kind, and he's fed on demand.  The most important reasons that Toby stays with me 99.9% of the time is that I believe that a baby needs to be with his momma early and often in order to establish and maintain an adequate milk supply and bond, and I truly believe that this need for attachment is as intense, basic, and dire as the baby's need for food.

Now, "early and often" can mean so many things to different people.  It has specific meanings to me, though, and those meanings have evolved as I have evolved as a parent.  I believe that this attachment should not only start at birth, but it should continue through toddlerhood.

When I had Aidan, I didn't realize that this need for attachment also manifested itself inside mommas, as well, and I was more than shocked when she was born and I wanted nothing more than to put that baby to my breast and feed her.  It was such a visceral, animal feeling that it was really difficult to turn off, but I really did not know that as her momma, I didn't need permission to hold, feed, and bond with my baby.  As a result, she did not nurse for the first time until she was about an hour old.

I know that for some mommas what I'm about to propose is not possible because of how they birth, whether by necessity or choice, but it should be possible for the majority of mommas.  Those first few hours of a baby's life should be spent in the arms of his momma, skin to skin, smelling each other, looking at each other, resting together, loving each other, and baby's first feeding should occur within an hour of his birth.  This is vital for a successful breastfeeding relationship, as it helps to jump start the milk factory, telling momma's body that baby is needing milk.  That first feeding releases that first rush of "love hormones" in mom, helping her to bond with her baby.

This attachment should continue into the baby's infancy.  Now, I realize that we can't all be stay-at-home-moms, and when Ian was a baby, I held a full-time job for the first 9 months of his life.  Ideally, though, baby is with his momma as much as possible through his first year of life.  Again, this can be vital to a successful breastfeeding relationship, allowing him full access to the breast to help mom's body to continue producing an adequate supply, but it can be just as vital to a baby's bond with his momma.  This doesn't mean that the working mom won't be able to bond with her baby or produce enough milk.  It just means that the working mom has to work harder to do those things.

(Further, as an aside, I will not pretend for one second that I understand or sympathize with a mom that appears to have a vital need to be away from her baby.  I certainly won't pretend that I understand why that need would come before her baby's need to be with her.  Guess what.  It's okay for me to feel this way.)

Working when Ian was a baby was heartbreaking to me.  I had been at home during Aidan's entire infancy, and I really felt bad that Ian missed out on that time he could have been spending with me.  I busted my butt to make sure that I had enough milk for him.  I would go on my breaks and nurse him, spending the rest of my breaks sitting in a dirty office, turned closet, pumping for him.  Instead of lovingly looking at him while he nursed, I looked at a picture, hoping it would trigger multiple letdowns.  Ideal for bonding and attachment?  No way, but we made it work.  He's very attached to his mommy now.  I think I can contribute part of that to the fact that he's still nursing, still cosleeping, and basically, he gets momma snuggles anytime he wants.

We take this notion of early and often attachment even further though, as a family.  Most of our outings are family outings, centered around the kids.  While Aidan has spent more time away from us, with her grandparents, than Ian has, neither of them spent a night apart from us until they were nearly 2.  I just don't have the desire to be apart from them for extended periods of time, and anytime they have been away from me for more than a few hours, I end up spending the majority of my time thinking about them, missing them, generally wanting to reattach with them.

By allowing my children to stay attached to me into their childhood, I'm not producing children that will be unsure of themselves or kids that will be brats.  Instead, through that connection, I'm ensuring that my children know that there will never be a time that I will not consider their needs.  There will never be a time that I will tell them to wait when they need a hug or to snuggle.  Their needs for me and to be with me will not be ignored or minimized.  By fostering that attachment, I've given them the tools to be kind to others, parent their own children, as well as the confidence to explore their world independently of me, knowing that I'll be there with open arms, should they need a safe place to hide.

Oh yes, my friends, I am certainly an attached parent.